Journaling My Meditations – What’s on my desk October 2022

I have always been fond of reading and learning about different types of philosophies. I have studied it since high school and it has helped me to navigate life throughout the years during college, work, and relationships. Embracing existentialism did a lot of wonders for me, once I fell on nihilism, that’s when things started to get hairy.

Being passionate about something or making a huge deal of some things making reason and logic coming in second, one can suffer many consequences for such devotion. That was during my years of reading and living an existential life, or at least trying to. Then came nihilism and I refuse to write on this blog what that did to my sense of morality.

I wonder how teenage and young adult JC would have been should I have pursued an stoic philosophy instead. And trust me, I do not claim any of my understanding of these philosophies were/are accurate, I can only speak from what felt and I cannot know what I do not know.

Now at this age and trying to understand myself better, I am trying to embrace a more stoic way of living. I am not sure how realistic this approach is, but I feel it has helped me in my career, it has helped me dealing with my constant unnecessary anxiety, and I believe I am in the path of being a better human to myself and those who are part of my life.

In the past, I have journaled many times, but they were mostly daily rants, secret confessions, or nostalgic feelings that I poured on paper. Unfortunately I just saved my journal covers, the rest I burned. I am not sure why I did such a thing, I won’t even try to understand my past self anymore.

My style of journaling, I am trying for it to be my present and future reminder of the things I want to improve about myself and life. Some daily observations and trying to work on my weaknesses.

It all started while listening to Ryan Holliday. I had already reconnected with my love for philosophy teachings back in 2019 thanks to the podcast “Philosophize This” by Stephen West and then when COVID hit, reconnecting with Philosophy is one of the things that kept and continues to keep me sane.

Going back to journaling, most of the time I feel embarrassed when I write anything non-fiction. So it wasn’t easy to make that decision, but then I made peace with the idea that once I am doing with this journal, I can either burn it all down o try to see it as the madman of a lonely middle age happy woman.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I feel I keep losing fear, little by little. I feel lighter and I don’t feel anxious about what if in the future some relative or stranger finds my journal. I will either be too old to care or dead.

When I am not journaling, reading Meditations, playing videogames, cooking, struggling with writing, or playing chess, I am listening to this lecture by Dr. Michael Sugrue, remarkable.