Getting Lost In The Noise

I can recall who I was back in 2015, beyond that, depends on the day. It’s as if my hard drive goes through some half version of reset and storage full situation every decade. I’m not really sure what gets discarded. Do you also feel that way? Is that the definition of losing oneself?

Of course I can remember a lot of events from my childhood in Panama to my years living in the US, but if I take a second to think, I do remember a lot of things. What will I remember when I do actually become a senior? Does it really matter? I mostly care to remember my loved ones and my fears, especially the irrational ones. The rest? Good or mediocre fillers.

If it wasn’t for my staying in touch with my family in Panama via WhatsApp through video calls and texting, I think I’d also lose the urge to speak and think in Spanish. I assume this is normal and the usual for immigrants living in the US whose English isn’t their native language.

Is that the reason I don’t think in Spanish or dream in Spanish so much lately? I even daydreamed in French the other day since I listened to some music bands. Perhaps I should listen to more music in Spanish. Getting stuck with these thoughts, that’s part of my ‘noise’.

It used to rub me the wrong way in the past when people would accuse others of not being themselves anymore, of ‘changing’ or that either living in other countries or the people they surround themselves with changed them. Let’s be honest, unless you stay in the same place forever and nobody and nothing changes, it’s impossible to not change. There’s a reason even Heraclitus said nobody ever steps in the same river twice. Life is constantly changing, whether you like or not, whether you think it’s happening or not.

Should we avoid change or noise? Just fools are afraid of change. It’s like being afraid of breathing. You don’t get a choice. Noise? I think we need some.

I fought it at first, the noise, and then I went crazy rushing through it, all of it, change it all. But if you know where you’re going (or what to avoid), you’ll be okay. Where do I want to go? Immortality, I can’t, so the next better option is ‘avoid’ and what am I avoiding? Regrets. Maybe I’m in denial.

That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle, hence the title of this blog post. Getting lost in the noise and what’s even the noise? By definition, “Any sound that is undesired or interferes with one’s hearing of something...” Are you listening?

I don’t want to call distractions ‘noise’. Whether you find this life pointless or full of meaning, it doesn’t change the fact that you were born, you live, and then you will die. So a little of noise is important, at least for myself I can’t take myself too seriously, but many times I should. If I don’t, I’ll never publish that horror book I’ve been struggling with editing. It carries its own noise.

The noise blinds too and what you consider noise might not be what I consider noise. It’s time to focus, time hyper focus and remove distractions. To remove the stubborn noise before I really lose myself and then regret comes. That, I do want to avoid always. No regrets. Yes change.